


046 "expecting"

by wheel_pen



Series: Iron Man AU [46]
Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fish out of Water, Kid Fic, My Pepper is different, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Iron Man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-25
Updated: 2013-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 21:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/816401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheel_pen/pseuds/wheel_pen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a secure line to Rhodey, Tony announces Pepper’s unexpected, but not unwelcome, pregnancy in his usual modest manner. “For I am a golden god of fire and iron, and all must tremble before my might!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	046 "expecting"

**Author's Note:**

> 1) My Pepper is very different from canon Pepper. Her personality/origin is very different; to separate her from canon Pepper I've given her a new last name and a different hair color.
> 
> 2) The bad words are censored. That's just how I do things.
> 
> 3) Stories are numbered in the order I wrote them, which isn't necessarily the order in which they occur. The timeline is Chapter 2 of story 031 “wet.”
> 
> I wrote this series after the first Iron Man movie came out. It's very AU but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. I own nothing and appreciate the chance to play with these characters.

“ _Hey, Tony, what’s up?_ ”

“Is this a secure line?” I asked urgently.

There were a few clicks. “ _It is now_ ,” Rhodey assured me in a serious tone.

“Good,” I replied, equally serious. “Because what I’m going to tell you has to remain absolutely confidential.”

“ _I understand_ ,” answered the ever-dependable Major Rhodes.

“If the press gets even a _hint_ about this, there will be complete chaos,” I warned him.

“ _I understand_ ,” Rhodey repeated, always the professional.

Still, it didn’t hurt to ask. “You aren’t offended that I’m giving you these reminders about secrecy?”

“ _No, not at all_ ,” Rhodey avowed. “ _Please continue_.”

“It’s just we have to be clear on this point,” I went on, putting my feet up on my desk. “And we can’t see each other’s body language to _know_ that it’s clear, so we have to agree to it verbally. Well, we _could_ see the body language if we had webcams, but those things are notoriously insecure—“

“ _Tony_ ,” Rhodey interrupted, sounding _slightly_ less professional, “ _I’m not offended you let me know this conversation is confidential. I_ am _starting to get irritated that you’re taking so d—n long to get to the_ point _._ ”

“Oh, right then.” These manly military types could get rather impatient sometimes. “Can Pepper and I come over to your house for dinner sometime this week?”

“ _Er—yeah, I guess_ ,” Rhodey responded immediately. Then his tone became suspicious. “ _Tony, was_ this _your so-called ‘confidential information’? These secure lines aren’t toys, you know_ —“

“I’m getting there, I’m getting there,” I assured him, unperturbed by his change in mood. After all these years I could play Rhodey like a four-year-old violin prodigy (which I could have been, I’m sure, if my parents had been more musically inclined). “Don’t you want to know _why_ you should invite me and Pepper over for dinner?”

Rhodey sighed. “ _Okay. Why should we invite you and Pepper over for dinner?_ ”

I dropped into my booming voice of power, which I had been practicing. “So you may fete and worship my miraculous abilities!”

“ _Uh_ —“

“For I am a golden god of fire and iron, and all must tremble before my might!” I intoned solemnly.

“ _Tony, are you speaking in code?_ ” Rhodey wondered.

“No,” I told him, switching back to normal for a moment. But this was my big reveal, my glorious announcement, and I had to honor the dramatic spirit inside me. “I have brought _life_ to the barren desert! From my loins has sprung a dynasty that will grant me immortality as long as humanity reigns!”

I felt Rhodey was starting to catch on. “ _Wait a minute, are you saying_ —“

“And possibly longer,” I went on speculatively, not having really thought it over before, “if the far-future robot society reveres my descendents as creators, as I expect they will—“

“ _Are you saying Pepper’s pregnant?!_ ” Rhodey sputtered.

A huge grin split my face, even though he couldn’t see it. “Uh-huh. Yup.”

No one could possibly have been as excited about this as I was. But Rhodey was coming close, bless him. Closer than Pepper, that was for sure. “ _But—wow—but I thought her—_ parts _didn’t work! What did you guys do?!_ ”

See, I could tell he was excited, because normally he was more careful about not leaving me openings like that. “Well, I _think_ it was the time we were role-playing as—“

“ _That’s not what I meant!_ ” Rhodey insisted.

“—and I was this _very_ naughty sheep and—“

“ _Tony! I mean, did you guys use some kind of infertility treatment or what?_ ”

“No! I’m just that awesome!” I told him with glee. “I _told_ you I was a man of dangerous virility. How often have I said that?”

“ _Too often_.”

I ignored that. “I’m so virile, I cleared her clogged plumbing! Without even meaning to! It’s _dangerous_ ,” repeated warningly. “Maybe I _shouldn’t_ stop by, I might knock someone up just by smiling a certain way.”

“ _First—ick_ ,” Rhodey judged. “ _Second—congratulations, man! And to Pepper, too, I’m sure you can’t take_ all _the credit._ ”

Just when you think a person knows you. “Of course I can,” I countered matter-of-factly. “It was _my_ seed that transformed non-living tissue into a growing, dividing, Tony-shaped blob of cells. I’m sure Pepper didn’t even know what was going on.”

“ _Let’s not talk about your_ seed _anymore, okay?_ ” Rhodey suggested, disappointingly.

“I need to build a monument of some kind as testament to my achievement, my prowess,” I went on thoughtfully. “Something really big and phallic. Maybe with a waterfall.”

“ _Somehow, I just knew you two would be the first humans to figure out how to make a baby_ ,” Rhodey commented dryly. “ _I knew you were destined for something special, after all_.”

“D—n right!” I agreed, bringing back my tone of proclamation. “Bring me your lame, your sick, your socially awkward, that I may heal them with one touch of my magical—“

“ _Stop there_.”

“Yeah, that was going to a bad place,” I agreed readily. “I don’t really want sick people touching my magical—“

“ _Stop there!_ ”

“Maybe I should get it insured,” I went on seriously. “What kind of insurance policy should I put on my magical—“

“ _Tony!_ ”

“Oh, I hoped you were going to say ‘stop there’ again,” I told Rhodey with disappointment. “We had a nice rhythm going.”

Valiantly Rhodey tried to bring the conversation back on track, though that assumed there _was_ a track. “ _Seriously, man, congratulations,”_ he repeated warmly. “ _I guess I thought you weren’t, you know, that interested in having kids_ ,” he added delicately.

“Well, I wasn’t,” I confirmed, “when I wasn’t having any. But now that I _am_ , I am!” Perfectly simple.

“ _You sound like a sleep-deprived new parent already_ ,” Rhodey observed. “ _So when are you guys due?_ ”

“September. We hope,” I added. No telling how long our little something would need to cook, really.

“ _September?!_ ” Rhodey exclaimed. “ _You’re already—four months along?!_ ”

He sounded slightly hurt. “Trust me, you’re the first to know, except for the doctor,” I reassured my oldest friend. “We just wanted to make sure everything was settled in before we told anyone. I mean, barren desert to lush rainforest overnight, remember?”

“ _And knowing_ your _kid, he’ll be up in the trees with the monkeys, screaming and flinging poo_ ,” Rhodey remarked affectionately.

“He’ll be _king_ of the frickin’ monkeys,” I demanded. “Anyway, you can tell Rae and the kids, of course, but we’re not saying anything to the media. Maybe ever.”

“ _’No comment,’ huh?_ ”

“Well, it’s a lot simpler than having daily meetings with PR about our ‘personal life strategy,’” I told him. Especially when half of the meeting was spent explaining things to Pepper.

“ _Right, sure_ ,” Rhodey agreed, having recently become acquainted with the blight of the paparazzi himself, due to his involvement in the Iron Man Project. “ _So how’s Pepper doing? I guess this explains why I haven’t seen her much lately_.”

Here my complaints began. “She is cranky as h—l, I have to say,” I told him. “All those hormones that were bottled up before are now gushing around her system and making her sort of insane. She forgot to make my breakfast—twice!” I added, by way of example. “ _And_ she’s delegated my dry-cleaning to another assistant.”

“ _How tragic for you_ ,” Rhodey deadpanned.

“She has all these mood swings now,” I went on. “It’s really disorienting, because she didn’t used to have _moods_!” I could practically _hear_ Rhodey rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. “ _And_ —you know how much she ate before? Well, she eats _tons_ more now! Seriously, I might as well just back a dump truck full of food up to the table for each meal.”

“ _I’m sure she appreciates your support_.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” I continued, having almost forgotten something very important. “The doctor put her on this _very_ strict diet that basically cuts out all her favorite foods.” Another reason why she was cranky. “I’m gonna send you the list so you can have stuff on hand for her.”

“ _Okay_ ,” Rhodey agreed readily. “ _Is grilling still okay? Should we fix something else?_ ”

“You may roast a goat in my honor,” I decided. “That would be a nice gesture on your part.”

“ _I was thinking more like hamburgers_ ,” Rhodey corrected.

“Oh, yeah, that’ll be good,” I agreed, mouth already watering in anticipation of Rhodey’s famed grilling skills. “Yummy! Oh, Pepper can’t eat meat right now, so throw five or six veggie burgers on for her.”

“ _Oh. Er, we can all go vegetarian, I guess_ —“ Rhodey started to offer nobly.

“No, no, no,” I assured him. “We’ll have yummy juicy meat-burgers, and Pepper will be fine with ground-up beans or tofu or whatever. I mean, she’s gonna be miserable about it anyway. The rest of us suffering won’t make her feel better.”

“ _I can see this fatherhood thing is already changing your attitude_ ,” Rhodey noted.

“G-d, I hope not,” I countered. “That’d be terrifying! So call me with the day, okay?”

“ _Okay. Congrats again, Tony. Really, it’s great_ ,” he added happily.

“Thanks, man. Talk to you later.”

**Author's Note:**

> That's all for my Tony and Pepper series. Thanks for reading!


End file.
